everything i wanted to tell you about my experience with ketamine-assisted psychotherapy

tw: violence

all experiences described here are strictly my own + not indicative of an expected outcome.

if this treatment feels like a potential healing modality you'd like to explore, please reach out to your physician and/or the medical professionals listed here for more information.

i’ll start in medias res, in the year 2013.

though i had sought traditional talk therapy on + off for years, at my core i was struggling with issues related to abandonment + avoidant attachment; for context, i can share that i am + have been estranged from my immediate family for decades.

recognizing what my baseline of “normalcy” was going into this time period has been critical in exploring long-held thought patterns, reinforcing behaviors, + destructive self-soothing or freeze responses.

in march of that year, while coming home from a friend's wedding, a man opened the door of a taxi i was riding in while we were stopped at a red light + physically assaulted me at random.

to this day, the only recollection i have of this is the sound of the car door opening.

due to the extent of my injuries, i was homebound for a week. and every instinct inside me screamed - how can we get back to normal + stop THIS as soon as possible. i don't want to do this anymore.

even though it's sort of impossible to just - not? - and pretend that nothing happened, somehow i did that. i forced myself back to work + hid by throwing my energy into something else. i pushed down + away any feelings i had. at home, where i lived with my partner who was struggling with his own feelings about the incident, there was no talking about what we had experienced.

eventually, it ran its course by hiding with time.

that's funny right; to suggest that time would have somehow just solved this deep trauma, that it would just "go away."

then, + now, it never went away. that incident created a series of physical problems that i experience to this day including extreme migraines, sinus complications, sudden onset vertigo, + issues with my ears and teeth.

in reality, an ugly truth was starting to emerge. that an underlying fear of being "safe" and keeping myself in safety emotionally and mentally, hiding behind super-productivity + high performance, could still be challenged physically.

i wasn't actually safe.

i knew i needed to work through what it would be that would make me feel safe but i wasn’t necessarily going too far into the “work;” a new environment helped, but i was still in the throes of familiar cyclical thoughts.

eventually spring 2014 came, an incredibly demanding time in my career when i had lots of travel, press, + events to keep me distracted; the need for me to be super-productive + high-performing satiated those thought patterns. so long as i kept doing, kept performing, kept executing, i *must* have some level of control. of safety.

about midway through the year, when i got the call that a member of my immediate family had been hospitalized + that getting to boston to see them was time-sensitive, i dropped everything to get there.

i hadn't seen this person in about ten years but from the moment i stepped into the icu i knew i would be there to see whatever might happen through to the end. and so my summer became split - half the week in boston in the hospital (this person was in a medically induced coma for a time, followed by recovery + rehabilitation), half the week in nyc. wherever i was, i wished i was in the other place. i felt like a terrible employee, friend, partner; i was getting almost no sleep, i barely exercised, had no time for myself.

in thinking back, the things i saw, heard + experienced that summer were so traumatic; but because of my need to find control to feel safe, i needed to operate + perform where possible as if that wasn’t happening in the background. i kept pushing things back, kept pushing myself forward.

but really, i was just a walking shell.

by end august, this person was released; and, due to a number of factors, immediately ceased communication with me. it would take a novel for me to explain everything here, but know that this deeply triggered the abandonment wound that on some level, i must have thought i was there to heal.

if i was ending the summer as a shell,

then i immediately entered the fall as dust.

it should come as no surprise that i had been on the verge of combustion. i had taken so much in, + let none of it out. processed nothing. kept going. i was in control.

that fall, i picked up, jumped back into that familiar high-performance cycle. i did my usual work travel. i was striving for my “normal.”

but this time, when it was time to head home, all of a sudden, something inside me sounded a huge alarm. i vibrated from the inside; it felt like a siren was blaring inside of my body. i almost could not breathe. i became convinced that some hideous catastrophe was awaiting; but when? where?

would it be on the plane home? the siren feeling vibrated the whole flight. but it wasn't that.

my days became filled with panic, one that i dared not to tell anyone about.

would it be in the car? then it wasn't. would it be on the subway? i would ride a few stops, go into a panic, get off + walk the rest of the way. vibrating panic, all day, every day.

would it be at work? one of the hardest things in coming back to this part of the timeline is openly admitting how deep this had gone, so here i am now, telling you: i couldn't go more than 20 minutes without refreshing internet news pages. i would duck out of meetings. i would sit at my desk counting down the minutes to check again if something was "happening." i needed to know. i wasn't going to be blindsided again.

it's important to note two more things here, that until last year - 2024 - i had never said aloud.

first, this cyclical thinking had existed in a quieter but equally intrusive way since i was five. i thought this was “normal,” the mental obsessions. the self-soothing that would come from repeating + repeating + repeating certain thoughts. in returning to talk therapy for a few months last year, we began exploring for the first time a diagnosis of relational ocd.

and the second is, those thought patterns had arisen around the time that a physical "stim" i had adopted to deal with anxiety as a young child had been called out + ridiculed AT five; a mental stim to replace the physical one.

a soothing tool to "calm" my anxieties.

those thought patterns etched themselves over + over through the years, making me believe that the constant mental duress was somehow keeping my life in control + keeping me safe; two constants i was desperate for, but also desperately missing in my physical world. in my head, i had built constant high alarm to keep me in a protected state; a false security, safety in never truly being vulnerable, comfort only under threat.

from 2014 through 2019, i experienced life milestones, traveled the world, + truly had incredible friendships + opportunities that i cherish.

in the fall of that year i made the difficult decision to leave my marriage. and then, in january of 2020, i lost my long-term job. and then, in march of 2020, the world completely stopped.

any semblance of safety, security, control my brain was grasping for had completely disappeared.

this is where i’ll pause from the personal storytelling.

this background is really just to give insight on the key events that seared even deeper patterns into my brain. those anxious, redundant thoughts that had kept me in balance; the desperate need to feel i could control a situation by predicting what the potential endings could be, ruminating deeply, + being prepared for all outcomes while terrifying + keeping my nervous system in a constant state of shock. pressing an internal siren on repeat.

by the end of 2023, i had had enough.

in 2024, i was intently looking for answers. i was EXTREMELY ready to break the patterns.

it was time to do the deep work. it was time to try something new.

it was a year of self-discovery, inner work, spiritual answer-seeking.

through a series of connections, a serendipitous meeting with a licensed creative arts therapist, + an invitation to join a ketamine-assisted psychotherapy group, i got the opportunity to explore this healing modality.

i’d like to express here a gentle reminder that anything that follows is, as stated, my personal experience + not an indication of expected results. but truthfully, i didn’t go seeking this modality - it sort of just found me. and in the bit of time i had to research before i had to commit, i looked for similar content to know what to expect, what to prepare for, potential outcomes (ah yes, that sense of control), to little avail.

what i’m sharing here is a bit of gratitude to pay forward what was a beautiful + deeply moving experience for me, giving a bit of insight into my voyage + answering some of the questions i had before i started, as well as those from others i’ve encountered along the way + after its completion.

what made you choose to explore KAP?

i had no prior interest or curiosity about this modality leading up to the time i chose to explore it; other than hearing about it a few times in the zeitgeist, it was not really on my radar. after connecting with the LCAT initially, i spent a bit of time doing research, + discovered how incredibly beneficial this modality is for depression, anxiety, + OCD.

while most of the collateral i found specifically spoke to its benefits for depression, during my initial consult, we spoke specifically to what my goals would be if i were approved as a candidate for this treatment. the neural plasticity that happens as a result of the medicine is an incredible aid for those specifically seeking to “rewire” redundant thought patterns that do not serve to benefit, whether its end result is depressive or anxious episodes, or obsessive loops.

basically - i was going to get the opportunity to gently press “reset”on my brain.

something i also loved about not just the modality itself but this particular presentation of it was the support the therapeutic team would give with creative art therapy, sound therapy, + talk therapy as critical parts of the integration. the medicine journeys were framed with an onboarding session, directed art activities, meditations, music, + post-journey journaling + talk to gently lead into to the journey + at the end to re-ground.

i wasn’t just “having” the experience; i was truly assimilating into my desired state.

what were your goals? what did you want to get out of this?

i was at a point of not just understanding how destructive these thought patterns were, but i also knew that to some extent their volume was preventing intuition + an inner knowing from being acknowledged as needed.

a helpful “rule” to follow, as per the therapists was:

set an intention, NOT expectation

the real magic for me in this experience was that it can truly open you up to such a freedom; IF you enter it with true intentionality.

my goals were focused on the potential benefits of that gentle reset; to disengage with anxious redundancies, to facilitate new calm + vulnerable thought patterns, + to let my inner voice lead without immediately signaling it as danger. (this last one is fascinating to me as i’ve created an entire career on predictions supported by reasonable evidence, yet it has been something i’ve struggled to embrace naturally in my own life.) overall, i was also seeking reduced anxiety not only for comfort but also as it is the instigator for most of the physical symptoms that i experience.

i wanted to also use that safety to overall reduce anxiety; and, when anxious fixations did crash into my brain + attempt to sound the alarm, i wanted to be able to identify them as intrusive thoughts versus real threats, enforcing a system of self-regulation.

the intentionality IS the magic. i committed to journaling every day over the almost two weeks of this experience, days before, between, + after medicine journeys; i pulled tarot to help explore intuitive questions; i allowed lots of rest + vastly decreased screen time; i meditated + intentionally chose affirmations related to my desired goals.

what exactly is the process? what happens?

the particular modality i worked with supported the integration of the kap medicine journeys with creative arts + sound therapies. after a medical intake + evaluation (and most importantly - a clearance for approval to move ahead + at what dosage), a psychotherapy evaluation helped inform my particular goals + intentions for the experience.

the full, almost two week long experience consisted of a combination of digital integration sessions of guided talk therapy with art healing exercises, as well as the in-person creative + sound therapy supported medicine journeys.

in all sessions, we used journaling prompts to explore some of the larger themes we were exploring individually, while allowing us to connect closer to our own individual shadows, both before + after the medicine journey.

but you’re probably most curious about what happens once you take the medicine. to which i’d say, every person should be prepared for an individual experience; i can only speak to facts + my own experience here. safety first - before + after any ingestion, blood pressure is monitored + approved. after swishing sublingual tablets for a period of time while listening to a calming meditation, i rested, cozy under blankets + with an eye mask on, for around 45 minutes while i experienced my journey. coming out of it, i did feel a bit out of sorts + quieter + slower than normal but was “with it,” fully aware. it’s fun to note that we were encouraged to bring items of safety, love, + joy to keep beside us, so i had one of my beautiful Our Lady of Guadalupe statues (my patron saint//protector) + a rosary close to me at all times.

i will credit my deeply positive experiences + feelings of safety as i explored within my mind to the thoughtful pre-integration led by the therapists as well as the daily intentionality during this entire period. i refrained from heavy media exposure, had limited interactions with others, + really took a lot of time for myself over these weeks to fully embrace.

i’ve been using the comparison of a fully-lit christmas tree to explain how my brain felt during the entire process; while it was so engaged, i was also easily drained. you are asking so much of your brain during this time; show it love + gratitude for the immense work it is performing for you!

what did you “see” while on the medicine?

this is a fun question + while i think this part of the experience is truly individual to the person, i can share that my “visions” gave me insight on what it would be like to be living in the end of achieving my goal state to live in alignment with comfort, safety, love. this is not to say that they weren’t fantastical in nature; during the first session, i did see the therapists as versions of Our Lady of Guadalupe with rose crowns, looking very serene + caring. i know this was my brain telling me i was safe in my journey :)

i entered each medicine session with a lot of what i’d call “informed” intentions about what i wanted to explore or know about, + i just let my mind lead the way.

what does it feel like?

intentionality comes up a lot for me when i discuss this because while it’s important to acknowledge that you will be having a psychadelic experience, entering with a mindset of peace, trust, + letting go is the best way to navigate anything that your body or mind will feel. remember that you are giving yourself an incredible gift through this experience; allow your mind + body to enter a flow state.

during your medical intake, i’d suggest discussing any fears you have around this part of the experience. you’ll discuss your past use, which will inform dosage recommendations, but open conversations + leading with knowledge will only help your rested mind to further enjoy the journeys.

what was the biggest difference between each session?

as with anything a first time experience, even with the best intentions, is a bit anxious in nature, anticipating what could be. i had visualizations in each session; however i will share that over the course of multiple medicine journeys, with thoughtful practices + integration sessions in between, by the third time i was in a state of cognitive + physical exhaustion that felt so foreign to me.

remember what you are asking your brain to do; to not just open its receptors + “rewire,” but also to assimilate completely new patterns + mind behaviors.

act with intentionality, support yourself with compatible integration tools, but also use this time to give yourself grace - AND REST. truly i believe this was the most difficult part for me. by the end, i was SO tired. i also am incredibly thankful for friends + co-workers who helped me manage slower cognitive skills + recall during this time and for a bit after.

what was the biggest surprise?

the day after my first session, i had fully intended to stay at home but had to make a whole foods run. tired, moving slow, i put my headphones on + was shocked to experience a bit of synesthesia! i could SEE the songs that were shuffling. that was admittedly not just surprising but so cool. at the grocery store i could also taste every food i was looking at; but, to my dismay, this only happened after the first session + never again. a super interesting side effect.

how are you feeling now? have you integrated new thought patterns?

overall, i’ve never felt more in alignment between my head + my heart. intrusive thoughts still abruptly + loudly sound off but i identify + isolate them with more ease. i feel more secure in trusting + aligning with my intuition, recognizing that those feelings + nudges come through my body + can be safely identified as such, versus an anxious fixation. every day i continue to work on my self-trust + self-regulation, but now with a stronger foundation than ever before.

maybe most importantly, i find strength in advocating for myself now in a way i never did. especially when it comes to issues of health (physical or mental) where i anticipate i’ll need space, i simply ask for it or do on my own what i need rather than let a situation go into detriment. i am conscious to eliminate “loop” thinking where i can on my own. i say”no” when i feel predictive thought patterns popping up that are not evidence-based. all of this gives me a more general sense of peace in my mind + heart, which in return, helps me immensely other issues as they may arise.

i am so grateful + so thankful for this experience; it was truly a gift.

for additional information please contact your physician or a certified KAP practitioner, such as the one i used - Art of Integration.